Losing Lucy…

I don’t think many of us can say they can rate five or more hospitals.

It’s a gift.

I think I need to add hospital critic to my alternative resume.

See, I spent the day yesterday at UIC (University of Illinois at Chicago) with my brother-in-law.

He developed a detached retina.

My wife jerked me out of a sweet winter’s slumber yesterday at 6 AM to take him to the UIC ER.

We arrived home at 8 PM that night…changed…well he was changed.

First we explored the ER – free parking!

Moderate paperwork.

They he had a wheelchair ride through the underground tunnel system – the bowels of the hospital – to the Eye Clinic – one of the best in the world, I’m told.

Of course I tried on about 15 different jobs during the day. Free or discounted tuition is a bonus and great medical coverage…I’m thinking about it.

UIC’s medical school is the largest in the US, so I’m told.

Eye Clinic – heavier paperwork.

Note to self – consider taking up Spanish as a job skill.

Question: How many ophthalmology residents and students does it take to get an accurate diagnosis?

Answer: about six.

If one didn’t have vision problems when they arrived…they would after six students examined their eyes…not to mention the gallon of eye drops they dispensed (now I know how they make zombie eyes in Hollywood) .

My roles for the day include seeing eye dog…family historian…reader for the mostly blind…clothing/belongings holder…recorder of information…and driver.

Next stop…retina center…better chairs in the waiting room….lots of donations from the Lions Club (so that’s what they do).

Bad news…retina detached.

Good news…we can schedule your surgery today.

Question: how much does an ophthalmologist get for a detached retina?

Answer: $4,350

Why didn’t mama tell me to go to med school? I’d love to see what kind of car a retina repair man drives.

And he does two or three a day…and that doesn’t include the hospital charges either!!!

Next stop…hospital…no more wheel chair ride in the tunnel…a chilly walk in 11 degree Chicago weather.

Free clothes and cool socks here.

Imagine asking a man who is almost blind and full of eye drops to sign a surgery waiver…would that hold up in court?

Sounds like something you would see on Saturday Night Live.

Surgery…brought to you by a cast of several…of course all the residents and students want a piece of the action.

It is now 4:30 PM and I get my first meal this day…oh well, at least im not in the OR.

Waiting in the waiting room.

Of course the bathroom is out-of-order.

Quest for a working bathroom.

Power toilet seat covers…a nice touch…eat your heart out Loyola!

Recovery room…where the “B” team works.

Wheel chair ride to the garage.

I interview the wheel chair pusher about working conditions. WOW her kids can go to UIC free even if you push a wheelchair for a living.

I wonder if they ask you how many future college students in your family before they hire you?

For a healthy guy, I’ve logged considerable time in UIC, Loyola, Rush, Children’s Memorial, and University of Chicago hospitals. Always for someone else, thank God.

I’ve also spent time in West Suburban, Oak Park Hospital and Wheaton Eye Clinic but those are minor league.

U of C is the prettiest.

Loyola is the most convenient and has the most reasonable parking rates.

Rush has the most outrageous parking rates.

Children’s is user-friendly.

I’d say UIC is a solid B (3 out of 4) for convenience, friendly, and good location. The only thing hurting it is the buildings look like the photos we saw in grade school of the Soviet Union from the 60′s…even in the summer.